Love is a Beautiful Vulnerability

I would burn up a sun just to say that I...
Love is a Beautiful Vulnerability

Love. We desire it, but we also fear it. We build walls to shelter and protect us from it. We gouge and sever bits of ourselves to avoid its cloying possession. We hate losing control. We hate the risk of being hurt. We hate becoming vulnerable.

Because we have been hurt. Hurt so terribly we lost ourselves in the pain. And we are terrified of it happening again.

We become cowards.
Continue reading “Love is a Beautiful Vulnerability”

What is an Inchoate Hero?

Courage isn't a matter of being frightened, you know. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.

Have you ever felt that strange… precipitous feeling, like you are always on the edge of losing it – like you are going to be Found Out. That you’re really a fraud. That you aren’t really a grown-up. That you don’t really know what you’re doing. That you’re just kind of floundering about; and it just so happens, by luck, by chance, by the whim of fate, that when people ask you grown-up sounding questions you just happen to know that particular answer that particular time, only by the skin of your teeth – that you just escaped being exposed in not really knowing what you are doing in life at all.
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A New Future with the John Maxwell Team

My beloved friends and family, my kith and kin,

I am beside myself with excitement right now. An opportunity has just walked through my door which is the answer to so many of my prayers. There is a program which will not only provide me with a new income stream (with strong potential for rapid and exponential growth), and transform my life in dramatic and revolutionary ways, but will also enable to me better serve and add value to all of you who I care about and love so much. And I can do it.
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What Eccentricity? Part 3

Circles
From: www.pinterest.com/pin/123004633552870630/

This, my third and final post in this series on eccentricity (the first two posts can be read here and here), will answer the question I posed to you at the end of my previous post: How do we as Eccentric Christians interact with and influence the world, which is on a different wavelength from us?

To begin answering this particularly knotty and controversial riddle, I would like to bring into the discussion some of my own personal experiences in a tangential but conterminous area: being both extremely sheltered and also an extreme nerd.
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What Eccentricity? Part 2

Circles
From: www.pinterest.com/pin/14073817565015841/

In my last post in this series, I elucidated a bit about the word Eccentricity and how cool it was. And then I set up a pretty little puzzle about whether we should be eccentric, or not. Here is the answer. It’s quite simple for us really. Why?

Well, we are in fact commanded to be eccentric by Scripture.

1 Peter 2:9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light:

Titus 2:14 Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works.

What does peculiar mean? Continue reading “What Eccentricity? Part 2”

Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel

I struggle with the concept of favorites. I hate being forced to select a single thing from among a beautifully ranged set of incrediblenesses. I do have a few favorites, though (such as the color green, though not for purely aesthetic reasons). At least for short times, before something else supplants them. But this song, this carol for Christmas, has endured for a long while in the top several favorites I have for Christmas songs.

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Bonvenon & Welcome!

Salutojn kaj Felicxadojn! (Greetings and Felicitations!)

This… * waves arm in encompassing gesture * …is my new blog. My new home site. You may wonder why I’m creating a new one instead of simply revitalizing and continuing on with the old one. That is a good wonder to have, and I will ‘splain.

Since my incarceration began, I have gone through several hardships and trials and losses, any one of which eclipsed my imprisonment itself in emotional and spiritual pain and turmoil. Friendships, and greater relationships than those made by the bonds of even the closest friends, were sundered. Brutally. I still have, and always will have scars from that. God has taught me a great deal about thankfulness, forgiveness, contentment, and joy in the midst of such things. I have learned. I have grown. I am a different person – though the same soul. I have chosen to plunge into the pain and embrace it as training for fulfilling God’s calling and desire in my life. And as such I have allowed God to change me. However, that change hasn’t cleaned away the collected stale detritus of the shattered remains of my old life. I am new, born from my chrysalis with eager excitement to ensue my new life, but I am surrounded by the shards of my transformation. Continue reading “Bonvenon & Welcome!”

To my Dear and Beloved Brothers and Sisters

To my Dear and Beloved Brothers and Sisters,

On my last Christmas, God willing, within the walls of prison, I send you my prayers and blessings for an awesome year and a joyful life. May God grace you with energy and guidance to aid you in loving obedience to His perfect will and law. May He walk beside you in tangible intimacy through the hard times and the difficult choices, and through the blessed and joyous times. Remember in all things who is the most important person inside or outside the universe, and what He did and has done and will do for all of us. I eagerly look forward to spending more real time with you all very soon. * hugs and happy dances all around *

Shalom V’baruch Aleichem,
Peace and Blessings to you all,
Yours in Christ,
Jaymes with a Why aka Sir Emeth Mimetes

Greetings and Blessings

As I drew near to my 24th birthday, I looked back at my last two birthdays since my arrest, and forward to the next two before I am released (only one more if they adjust my good time properly, the Lord willing). I have passed the halfway point. It’s all downhill from here. * smiles *

It has been a long while since I sent regular updates to all of you; it has also been a long while since I received regular letters from all of you. A lot has transpired in the past two and a half years, not only in mine but also in your lives. I have adjusted and accepted my residence here, and you have moved on with your own life crises and excitements. I’m not really news anymore. I expect many of the friendships which have become strained or infeasible by the separation will be easier to pick up again once I regain my liberty. But for those of you who have made the effort to fight the system and stay in contact, please know I am eternally grateful and that I never could have done it without you.

That said, there are a few things which it would do well for me to broadcast for those of you still listening. 🙂

The appeal I agreed to let the attorney file did not succeed, and I will not be pushing the issue. I am well content to wait patiently for my release date and invest this time as God leads me so that it will be profitable for His Kingdom and for me.

This may seem like a dramatic shift from my position and attitude prior to my trial and sentencing, and in one sense it is, though not in another. My core motivation then and now has not shifted one iota: I honestly and truly desire first and foremost to glorify and serve the will of my Father. There is nothing else for me when it comes down to it. If anything, that resolve has only been tempered and anchored even deeper through everything which has happened. All the decisions I made, every word I said or didn’t say, everything I did during that chaotic and traumatic time I did with prayer and submission. I may now, looking back, see a better course I could have or should have taken – a mistake of judgment or an inaccurate assessment or a miscommunicated statement – but my conscience is at rest that I did the best I could from the perspective I had then. There are things I know now which I didn’t know then, and I also have a deeper maturity now. I often wish I could go back and do over so many different things with the knowledge and tempering I now have, but it was through doing things the way I did that I became who I am, so that doesn’t work very well. * grins *

When I was arrested I was faced with the resurrected importance of the darkest part of my unsaved life. I had made no secret of the fact that I had done some horrible things, and those I was close to and trusted even knew that my past sins were sexual in nature and that I couldn’t really talk about it for various reasons except for exceptional circumstances. I was even planning to divulge the details in person to the people who most needed to know on the trip I was arrested on. Ironically, that resulted in my inability to fulfill my intentions until after the trial, but by then they had already decided to distrust me and unbiblically severed fellowship with me. They accused me of not confessing and not being repentant of my past sins. I couldn’t explain that my sins were long ago confessed, repented, cleansed, and conquered and that my legal decisions and silence on the details weren’t due to denial but to my attempts to survive a corrupt and labrynthine legal system determined to destroy my life. I refused to play the game of injustice, no matter how much I hated defending the past self I despised. I just wanted to get out and back to the ministries and people God had called me to. In the process I basically shot myself in both feet legally, but I finally just trusted God with the results and prayed desperately for His will to be done.

Therefore, I have come to accept that this is where God wants me. I made the decision way back in jail in Florida that no matter what, even if I lost everything, I would thank and glorify God. I’ve lost more and retained more than I expected, as it is, but I have stayed true to that decision. I don’t know or understand all of His reasons, but I have seen Him at work so clearly through everything I can trust Him with the why. I have grown, become who I prayed He would make me more than I ever could have otherwise. The fruits of His Spirit have flourished in my life in this soil, and I am closer to Him than I ever imagined possible for me before. Those are reasons enough for all I’ve lost. Friendships, hopes, loves, plans, so many things and people I would have died for are no longer in my life despite all my attempts to keep them. The pain and devastation of betrayal and shunning by those I trusted most, these have deepened my grasp of God’s faithfulness and my faith in His unfailing love. I have learned to forgive and conquer bitterness with longsuffering patience. You don’t learn that by having an easy life.

Some of these hardships are consequences (causatively, not spiritually, I do not believe I am being punished) of what I did all those years ago before Christ redeemed me and made me His own. Some also are due to the foolishness of those who refused to trust God and instead listened to falsities and assumptions unbased on fact and their own emotions rather than reason. I did my best to correct and apologise for my failures to communicate, but in most cases all my prayerful efforts for peace and truth and reconciliation were to no avail.

My desire is not to defend myself or justify my actions where I’ve gone wrong. My goal is also not to point fingers and place blame. You may not know the people I’ve mentioned, maybe you do. Maybe you are one of the people who think I’ve betrayed their friendship and trust. If you are or if you aren’t, I just want to publically say this. I love you. I do not now nor have I ever desired your hurt, and have done all I could to show you love, however much I’ve failed in that. I do not diminish the pain and hurt you have caused me, but I forgive you. I know that hurting me was not your motivation. I pray that someday God will put it in your heart to open yourself to the possibility that I did not betray you, and that I am not a liar or anything but your friend and lover of our Saviour. I pray for reconciliation and unity again in all the broken relationships left in the wake of these circumstances.

May the Lord our God bless and grace you with love and unity,
In the name and affection and peace of Jesus Christ our Saviour,
Jaymes Lauser

 

Christmas and the God of All

Greetings and Holy Felicitations and Blessings,

I have long been remiss in sending out updates, and for that I give my sincere apologies. The links between me and you, my family of friends, are tenuous, and they should be guarded and tended with greater thanks and care than I have. The hardest part of this trial, by far, is the separation from those I love. The food and lack of liberty I can handle. You, my brothers and sisters in Christ — including those who have been part of conflicts, and for whom I pray continually that God would bring reconciliation between us — are my dearly loved and missed family.

Christmas is one of my favourite feast and celebration times. I love holidays and birthdays and traditions, like the rest of my family. I have so many beautiful memories of Christmases past (like when we got a set of huge dictionaries and screamed like a ‘normal’ family getting a gaming system), of times with my family having fun. And somehow with all the presents our parents were able to keep our focus on the giving, not the getting. We loved the gifts, but the joy of giving is what I remember most. People say that’s what Christmas is about — because it is when we celebrate God giving Himself to us. And they are right. But there is more to that picture…

God is infinite, awesome, and great. The Creator, the King of kings, Lord of lords. God and Father of glory itself. Eternal, all-knowing, all-powerful, the beginning and the end. He cannot possibly be arrogant because however much He thinks of Himself, He’s right. He is the only person who is perfectly justified in being selfish and self-centered. We glorify Him and He glorifies Himself and He deserves it. He doesn’t owe anyone anything. He could have wiped out the universe and been perfectly right in doing so; we deserve it.

But Jehovah God is greater than that because He is more than Sovereign. He is humble. He is meek and He lowers Himself to care about us, His rebellious creation. “Though the Lord be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly.” (Psalm 138:6a) He stoops. He brought Himself down to our level and walked in the dirt with us. He didn’t value His Godhead and glory more than His desire to love, to give.

There are other religions with powerful gods, gods who can do great things. But that’s what’s so special about YHWH. He is not only the greatest God, He is also Jesus. He is a person. He loves. He feels. He hurts. He isn’t any less because He gives.

That’s why, in all the honour and glory and praise we give Him as the God whom all things glorify, and for whose glory all things are done, the ultimate standard of worth, and joy, and righteousness, and truth, we must also remember the other side of His amazing greatness. Our God is more than Everything — He is also humble. He accepts us and our infantile, half-hearted, stumbling love, our weak and dust-made efforts, our offerings of service broken and poorly wrapped… He accepts us.

And that is the greatest gift of all. That when He gave us Himself, wrapping His infinite greatness in finite weakness, He was giving us the ability to give to Him. Not in greed, for what can we give or add to Him? But in generosity, opening Himself up to a relationship of love and humility.

And that is something we should celebrate every day. The Christmas season isn’t over, not for my family (we tend to go from the day after Christmas to January 6th), but the time for giving and loving is never over. So give as Christ gave: humbly. And accept His gift of love.

May the God of all comfort grant you the revelation of His nearness and love, opening your heart as a channel to receive and give His passion and affection,
In the name and love and hope and joy of our Saviour and Lord, Jesus the Christ,
Your brother, Jaymes Lauser aka Sir Emeth Mimetes