Have you ever felt that strange… precipitous feeling, like you are always on the edge of losing it – like you are going to be Found Out. That you’re really a fraud. That you aren’t really a grown-up. That you don’t really know what you’re doing. That you’re just kind of floundering about; and it just so happens, by luck, by chance, by the whim of fate, that when people ask you grown-up sounding questions you just happen to know that particular answer that particular time, only by the skin of your teeth – that you just escaped being exposed in not really knowing what you are doing in life at all.
You’re scared whenever someone asks you to do something or when someone asks for responsibility because you don’t know if you can do it. You’ve been preparing your entire life for it, maybe, but you’re scared that you’re not who you hope you are, or who you hope to be.
Have you ever felt like you really really hope there isn’t any such thing as grown-ups, because you know you aren’t one and probably never will be one? And no matter how many trials, no matter how many challenges you face, no matter how many heart-wrenching things you’ve weathered and stood through and praised God in and got stronger by, you fear you aren’t really mature. That you’re not really a man. Not a warrior – even though you’ve warred your entire life.
Have you ever hoped the whole world was one big playground so you could just be one of the kids, because you know you aren’t much more than a kid? Or maybe you think it is.
We ought to keep that quality of being a child at heart. Don’t mistake me – that whimsy isn’t really what I’m talking about. We all know that’s a good thing. But we’re all afraid of taking it too far. Because children are great, they’re awesome, they’re innocent, they’re playful, they take the world with a grain of salt. But, they’re also quite irresponsible. They don’t know the meaning of loss or tomorrow. So they don’t prepare for. it. And you are always afraid that you aren’t preparing.
Have you ever felt this way?
Does it sometimes just wash over you? Crushing you?
You’re normal. Because I feel that way. Not all the time, not every day. Not even necessarily every week. But I never escape it. And I’ve talked to enough people to know I’m not alone. And if I’m not alone, you’re not alone. Because I think this nameless angst, this groping sensation of horror at our own puny puerile nature, in whatever form it takes for you, is really just a part of being human.
Because we know there’s something bigger. We know there’s something better. We know there’s the ability, the potential, the reality, of another kind of human. Something mythologized and called “being a grown-up.” And we know that none of us are really there, deep down. We see people, we have legends of people, who we think might be “grown-ups.” But really they’re not. They’re not. They are just children who are coping better with life. So when you think about it, we as humans, we know there’s something bigger, and because we know there’s something bigger, there is something bigger.
Because God crafted that yearning into us. That craving was made to be sated.
We are catching glimpses of Heaven in the corner of our eye, in that tug at the back of our heart, urging us to yearn for something grander and more spectacular and epic. It is why we admire heroes, and long to be like them.
But can we be heroes? We will be, in Heaven, aye, but what about now?
How can be we heroes while still trapped in these frail, weak, broken continuums of mortality we call lives?
We can be heroes inchoate.
Inchoate because no matter how far along we are, no matter how immature or righteous, we are all only beginning. We are children, putting off childhood, anticipating the adulthood of heaven.
Heroes because we are conquerors, exemplars, and warriors with courage, valor, and integrity. We are the embodiment of Christ. And so we are the heroes of this world.
Recognizing our brokenness, and accepting that as a challenge to be overcome. Striving for perfection, not cowed by our imperfections. Boldly declaring victory and liberty, knowing the battle isn’t over yet. Humble warrior-servants of the Lord of all time and reality.
Take heart. You are right to yearn for more. You were made for more.
So let there be the days of heaven upon the earth.